Happy Birthday Nancy!

You know those times where life just seems surreal?  You're so excited that you wonder if you're just dreaming?...you almost feel like you're experiencing it from a far?  When I look back at a certain moment in my life this description becomes some what painful. At the time it was hard to believe it would happen and now sometimes I look back and try convince myself that it did happen. It was real, it did happen but in a moment, it was gone.

The most bizarre thing happened to my family...my mom told us that she was going to have a baby! Now I understand it's not bizarre to most, but for us it seemed crazy!  The thing is, my mom was old...okay, she was only like 42 years old.  So it certainly wasn't something we were expecting ...at all.  We already had 6 kids in our family and the youngest was what 9-10 years old?  We thought we were past that stage of our family.  But  no matter what we felt, we certainly couldn't deny anything when we saw evidence of moms growing belly month by month!

It was November 1989, my mom was past her due date and having contractions for several days.  We knew that the baby could come at any time, and mom promised that she would allow us to come home from school if anything were to happen.   I was sitting in the cafeteria eating lunch when my older brother and sister (Hazen and Trina) came into the lunch room of my Elementary school to find me.  They told me that mom was in labor and I needed to come home right away.  I remember picking up my tray full of food, taking it over to the trash area and then running for the office.  Well actually, I think I was skipping.  The look on the face of first teacher we met in the hallway had quite a mixture of irritation and wonder!  Although it also happened to be a bit of luck, it was my 6th grade teacher, Mr. Horrocks.  I told him what was happening and he smiled and said congratulations and sent me on my way...didn't even bother to tell me to slow down in the hallways.  After Trina and Haze found my little brother Rich, we headed home as fast as possible.

At home everything seemed SO exciting, we were trying to be as quiet as possible while the mid-wife was there helping mom.  Mom wanted to have an at home birth, she had always wanted one, and she felt that this was her last chance to experience that. 

To help pass the time, all eight of us (including mom and dad) put in our guess for the weight, height and gender of the baby.  It was suspense like no Christmas day I'd ever experienced.  As the hours slowly ticked by I remember looking out the front window as the bus driver stopped in front of our house after school...he didn't realize that we weren't on the bus.  I distinctively had the thought, "Huh? We could have stayed at school all day and it wouldn't have mattered."  Not that I wanted to be at school, but it was at that moment that the day felt "weird."  I don't know how to describe it, it may have simply been watching the bus come, something so normal, on a day that was suppose to be so incredibly different.  A few more hours later the trepidations that was starting to form, started manifesting itself.  Mom's mid-wife made the decision that something was wrong and mom needed to be in the hospital. In a matter of minutes they were in the car rushing to to the hospital as the kids were left home to wait and wonder. 

Now let me take a moment here to explain that I was only eleven, I don't remember everything.  In fact, it feels like I don't remember much of anything even though it was such a huge moment in my life.  Everything within this time period seems to be a little blurry.  My memories, thoughts and feeling are the best I can do and with that being said, I hope I do the story justice and I'm not hugely off the mark!

Mom and dad were at the hospital and the kids were waiting by the phone for updates that weren't coming.  My oldest siblings, Yvonne and Trina tried to finish up the day/night as normal as possible, but the hours slowly past.  It was certainly the longest day of my life up to this point.  We were told to go to bed and my older sisters promised that they would wake us if they had any news.  It finally came in the middle of the night! 

I don't remember who woke me up, I don't remember walking down stairs, my first recollection is standing at the bottom of the stairs watching my oldest sister pace as she was talking on the phone.  I heard strange words like "sea-section" and N-I-C-U, things that didn't make sense me.  It was difficult to grasp why no one was excited that the baby was born!  What could be more important than that?  But no one seem to be concerned about the baby's weight and height--I wanted to know who had the closest guess!  The one detail I knew for sure, was that the baby was a girl.  We knew that if it was a girl mom wanted to name her after her own little sister, (our aunt), who died while she was just a baby. So that's the only thing I knew for sure, my little sister, Nancy Jolynn was born.

As I stated before, I mostly have a blurry memory of the next few days:

~I know that we drove up to Blackfoot, Idaho, to see mom in the hospital 

~I found out that my sister, was life flighted to a different hospital--in a different city and I knew that it was very difficult for my mom to deal with that fact.

~I remember going to the store with dad and picking up the pictures dad took of Nancy the day she was born. She opened her eyes slightly for a moment and dad was able to capture that moment.  Another pictures was taken through a window from the doorway of the operating room.

~I was told that Nancy's umbilical cord had been tied in a knot and that every time my mom had a contraction it would cut off all oxygen and  nutrients to the baby.  My mom was in labor a long time, with a lot of contractions. 

~The umbilical was also too short and combined with the fact that it was shortened even more by the knot, it was impossible for the baby to be born naturally.

~I learned what an emergency C-Section was, and that it was done so fast that my dad was not allowed in the room, they needed the space for doctors. 

~I found out that NICU stands for the Newborn Intensive Care Unit.

There is a side story I'd like to share, I don't know how accurate it is or if my mind has "improved" it over the years, but, I remember someone telling me that my older sister had called our extended family in the middle of the night (the night Nancy was born). One of my aunts who lived in Northern California, Aunt Linda, as soon as she learned about what was happening with Nancy had hung up the phone and announced that she was driving to Idaho to be with us. In fact, the story goes that Uncle Elmon had to take the car keys from her and convinced her to wait until the morning. Nevertheless in a matter of a day she was standing in our kitchen ready to help us! Isn't that amazing?!

One very vivid memory I have of this time period was walking down an unfamiliar hallways in the hospital and ending up at the NICU.  We had come after hours and the kids were being "snuck" inside to see our baby sister.  I even reached my hand amidst the wires and tubes and rubbed her leg with my finger.  Her skin was so soft.--that I remember.

I  remember the stuffed animals and the toys that were by her bed.

This next pictures is my favorite.  The sweet nurse moved away the tubes and some of the wires so we could get a picture of HER.

Doesn't she look like a normal healthy baby? I remembered at the time struggling with that concept:  She LOOKS fine...except for the wires and tubes, I don't understand why they say she is "sick?" And the thing that I had the hardest time with, was that she WAS perfect and she was healthy, that is she was right up until her delivery, then everything changed.  But just looking at her I could actually see the little girl I had been dreaming of, the one I was so excited for!  I finally had a little sister, except instead of peacefully dreaming in her crib, the reality was that she was struggling for her life, in a small hospital bed.

 I remember Aunt Linda helping us go grocery shopping and 'entertaining' us with movies, games, and books that she brought.  I remember thinking it was awesome that no one made us go to school, but at the same time I wished for something else to think about other than knowing that no one knew for sure what was going to happen to our little sister. 

One of the movies that Aunt Linda brought was a new one we had never seen before, it was called Saturday Warrior.  It became a family favorite -- outside of the cheesiness of the acting and songs, the message was eerily similar to what we were experiencing in our family.   We loved thinking that Nancy was meant to come to our family and that her purpose here on earth and as a part of our family was important no matter what the outcome would be.

In those days and nights with Nancy in the hospital I remember praying like I had never prayed before, begging for my little sisters life. Some days Nancy seemed like she was getting better, other days she was much worse.  We were forced on a roller coaster ride of emotions.  As we sat together as a family one night I remember dad teaching us that when we pray we needed to pray for "His Will" to be done. Heavenly Father holds the plans and He would know what was best for Nancy and what was best for us and we need to trust in Him and turn our faith over to Him.  I was a little upset with this idea, some how I knew what the Lords decision would be and I didn't want that outcome, so I refused to pray that way.  It wasn't until a few days later when my mom told us that she had a dream that the Lord was giving us a choice, He could take Nancy with him and He would take care of her or He could let her stay with us but she would be handicap and suffer the rest of her life.  Up until that point I don't think I even thought one second into the future (typical pre-teen).  I never realized what the consequence of her oxygen deprived brain would be...I thought if she got better and "survived" she would be ALL better. I didn't understand that if she lived that 10 years later she would still be struggling!  Once that idea finally sunk in I was shocked to realized how selfish I was being.  Did I want a little sister so bad that I would force a life full of pain and uncertainty on her?    ...My prayers began to change.

In my heart I prepared and expected for the outcome that was about to happen. But even though I fully expected it,  I didn't realized that it would still hurt so bad.

The doctors told us that Nancy was basically brain dead and that her body wouldn't be able to survive without all the machines that were keeping her alive.  I don't know any of the details of the what happened, I kind of think that she was taken off the ventilators and remarkably she was breathing on her own.  We weren't given much hope that she would last very long, all we knew that at any minute Nancy's little body could start to give out.

It's ironic how patchy and blurry my memory is and yet there are moments that I can envision as clear as yesterday.  It was a fairly average day when the phone rang and someone downstairs had answered it.  Within seconds after the phone call, I remember mom frantically running  up the stairs and through the house.  I can't remember her exact words, but she said something to the effect that Nancy was dying--NOW and she didn't know where dad was!  As she ran out the door my older brother Hazen ran after her...I think he decided in that split second that whatever was about to happen, he didn't want mom alone.   

My sister Trina and Aunt Linda found out what was happening and they dove around town trying to see if they could find my dad, after they searched a few places, they headed up to the hospital as well.  Those of us left at home called around to a few places that dad might have gone to.  I'm not sure how dad found out he needed to go the hospital it might have been through one of the stores we had called or my sister had gone to.  The stores were asked to announce over the PA system that if our dad was there, tell him "to leave for the hospital immediately!"   I"m not sure why and how he found out, I do know that dad made it, but just barely!

From what I understand at the hospital Mom and Hazen were given a private room to be with Nancy in her last moments of life. They took turns holding Nancy and saying good-bye to her.  At the last moment dad finally rushed in, they handed Nancy to him and he had just enough time to hold his daughter, feel her last breath and watch her die in his arms.

This is a quote from my sister Trina about this experience:   After Nancy was born I had a hard time accepting the fact that her journey here was only to be a short one. The doctors had turned off the machines earlier and Nancy was breathing on her own. But we then got a call from the hospital and they were desperately trying to find Mom and Dad. I remember rushing up to the hospital with Aunt Linda walking into the room just minutes after Nancy had passed away. Dad, Mom and Haze were in the room. I tried to ask dad if she was still alive and he said, “She just left us” then he asked if I wanted to hold my baby sister. As I held her for the first time, I have never had such an intense peaceful feeling in my life.  I knew without a doubt that the eternities existed – a feeling that I will never forget or ever deny.

When the phone started to ring, I immediately knew what I was about to hear.  I don't remember who it was that talked to me, I just remember walking back into the front room to tell my other siblings the news and after we took a second to let it sink in, our attention was drawn back to the TV where we had been watching our new favorite show for like the 5th time! (Saturday's warrior) I think we were all dumbfounded when we looked up and it was at the part in the show where the sister dies and is reunited with her family in heaven. 

I have a little sister, but she only lived for 7 days.  Those next few days I don't remember much, I recall walking past the crib that was set up in my mothers room and it would be like another quick stab to the heart.  The hope that we had, even while she hung onto life in the hospital, that she would one day come home, was now completely gone.

It was weird to see my baby sister in the funeral home laying peacefully in her casket.   I remembered lamenting the fact that I never got to hold her, but I wasn't sure I would want the chance now, even though to me she still looked like she could have still been a healthy baby girl.

I remember the funeral director taking our picture together as a family.  I remember several people taking our picture around this time and they would say, "SMILE!"  I would always think, "Really? Are your serious??"  First of all I wasn't in a smiling mood, and for some reason I thought it was disrespectful of Nancy's memory to be happy.  I don't know what this funeral director said or did, but I remember he got a smile out of all of us. 

At first I was mortified and ashamed that I could be happy during such a sad time, but then I realized for the first time that it was okay to be happy.  And it felt like a wonderful breath of fresh air to have something to smile about.  We were still a family, we had been sealed in the temple and we had an opportunity to have a picture of  our whole family together and we were SMILING!

At this point in my life I had been to several viewing and funerals before, unfortunately all of my grandparents had passed away and I remember several details and moments of each of their funerals.  But at the same time it was weird standing at the viewing next to the casket along side my brothers and sisters as tons of people poured passed us offering their condolences and giving us hugs!  I hated it.  I remember at some point I sat down (on the floor?? on a chair?? not sure.) behind the main line and just watched the people pass by. 

I remember crying a lot during the funeral and looking at the casket sitting in the front of the chapel and thinking that it looked even smaller in this huge room.  I don't remember who spoke, what was said or who all was there.  But there is one moment that sticks out, during the service mom was holding a stuffed animal, it was one of Nancy's many toys that was in her hospital bed.  This cute little teddy bear was one that would sing if you pulled on a string or pushed a button, I'm not sure which, but I know it played music.  Mom was holding it on her lap during the funeral and right during the middle of the funeral that darn teddy bear started playing music!  Hahaha, I remember mom looked down in shock, then hurried and put it behind her back to try and keep it quiet...later mom told us that she thought it was Nancy's way of telling us that she was there with us! 

I had my110 film camera and I brought it with me to the funeral. These are two of the shots that I took that day: 

At the luncheon for the family after the burial I hung out with my little cousin Wendy.  My favorite cousin! Before and even after my little sister was born, I secretly pretended that Wendy was my little sister.  I don't know if I've ever told her that!  

A few days after the funeral we went back to school. I remember the first day back to school, my classmates and friends understood what happened but they didn't know what to say to me or how to treat me. All the same, I didn't know for sure what I should say or how I should act--it just felt weird. At the end of my first day back to school, a few minutes before the bell, my teacher Mr. Horrocks called me up to his desk and handed me an envelope.  I recall him saying something as he handed it to me but I can't remember what he said. I walked back to my desk, put the envelope on my knees under my desk and slowly pulled out a card. It was signed by all my classmates expressing their sympathy for my loss, it was very touching. I remember reading over the words that my 6th grade teacher wrote, they were about finding peace in Christ and knowing that families were eternal! It wasn't until that moment that I realized that my teacher and I shared the same belief and belonged to the same church. I didn't realize that people outside of church could be Mormons...teachers even! It was so very comforting to hear his strong and bold testimony as I sat in the last place on earth I though possible to feel the spirit so strong. As I was reading his words, I realized there was something else in the envelope, as I looked at what it was, I gasped in shock. I slowly pulled out several pictures of my little sister.

Mr. Horrocks had gone to the funeral home before the viewing and took some wonderful pictures of my little sister. A simple explanation came with the photo's, it was something like: "Sometimes when tragedy strikes so fast we sometimes forget to capture these moments that are so short! I didn't want that to happen to you!" Isn't that amazing?? Now all these years later, it makes me wonder if he was speaking from experience?

Best teacher I have ever had...hands down. He was my favorite even before this happened, he pushed me to be better and wouldn't settle for good enough...he wanted great! He was great. As a shy 11 to 12 year old I don't think I ever got to tell him how much that meant to me or to thank him properly for what he did. To this day I am still baffled that my 6th grade teacher went to the funeral home to take pictures of Nancy for us! Even though he has since passed away, I'd still like to publicly say, thank you Mr. Horrocks--thank you!

Although this happened a long time ago, my own kids know this story and the know that they have an Aunt Nancy, who is among those family members who are in heaven and are watching them from above.

 

My Aunt Linda bought us a small Linden tree about the time of the funeral, she told us to plant it and watch it grow so we would always remember Nancy.  This past year Aunt Linda asked me how that tree was doing, so while I was back home this summer I took a picture...Nancy's tree is doing great! 

I wanted to post this story on Nancy's birthday and wish her a Happy Birthday in heaven, she would have been 22 years old today!  We love you and miss you sis!  See you someday!